To the best friends I shared 5 years of my life with; the best friends who carried me through grade ten to two years after graduating,
You gave me the gift of a novel worthy friendship. You both gave me the type of friendship I could write about. That I did write about. So that I’ll never forget it.
Those late nights spent cruising around our hometown; music shaking the car, windows down, letting in that 1 am breeze. As we laughed about who knows what… We always thought it would be just us three.
Who would have known our cold fate…
Who would have known I’d grow wings to fly leaving myself with heartache.
And as I rose; as my view of the ground became gradually more distant, so did my view of you. Before I knew it, I couldn’t see you guys anymore.
To you, my best friends; I’m sorry it felt like I had abandon you for others. I’m sorry that things aren’t how they used to be. That we aren’t how we used to be. That we never will be again.
You have both spread your wings. We are flying in different directions, at different speeds, to different destinations, with different people.
I am grateful that I have people in my life today that understand my passions and share them. Who are as goal-driven as I am, who understand me and everything that I want to become someday.
But make no mistake, I would not have met these people without you two.
I would not have stepped outside of my comfort zone to pursue my passions further had I not learned how to be courageous from you both.
I would not have met my incredible boyfriend without you two. You both gave me the strength to love myself as a person; to be able to express myself without fear of judgment; to stare back at myself in the mirror with unapologetic confidence. Giving me the power of self-love gave me the courage to let someone love me and to love someone else. You did that by loving me for everything that I am.
I wouldn’t know how to love without you two. I learned how capable I am of truly loving someone, from you both. I loved you both unconditionally.
And I still do. I always will.
But I have to let you go.
I can’t keep pretending like we can get back to where we used to be. I can’t keep having this conversation on how to fix this.
When the only thing we can talk about is how to repair this friendship, and nothing said is done… Is it time to let go?
Every time we have this conversation, I reopen a wound that has never fully healed. The destruction is too painful and every time, the conversation ends the same.
“We will work on this”.
Silence grows between us for a long period of time and we’re back to square one. With the conversation that causes so much pain.
I want to be able to fly; to soar, without a broken wing. And I desperately want the same for you both. At the end of the day, no matter who you’re with, no matter what you are both doing, I just want you to be happy. I want that for myself too.
Even if that happiness doesn’t include each other anymore.
But I am glad you both have each other.
I want you to know that the smallest things remind me of you both. A song, a street, a remark. And thoughts of the past begin to trickle in.
When they do, I don’t want to feel pain anymore. I just want to feel happy while I reminisce on how blissful things were when it was just us three.
Just Us Three
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